Julie Andrews
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When most of us think of Julie Andrews (and in fact, there
is not one of us who does not), we think of a prim, proper,
pristine, posh princess, with elegant diction and a singing
voice like a bluebird, eating blueberries, about to fly around
in a blue skybus. Indeed, most of Miss Andrews's roles are
of the lily white, spoonful of Splenda variety. From her films,
we remember her as Mary Poppins, the magical nanny, as Maria
VonTrapp, the nun nanny. Her theatrical roles, too, include
wide-eyed ingénues such as Eliza Doolittle from My
Fair Lady and Cinderella in Starlight Express (just kidding:
in Cinderella). So it's difficult for most people to imagine
Andrews doing something as subversive as strapping down her
breasts in order to play a man in the profoundly grotesque
and only marginally arousing (to lunatics), Victor/Victoria.
But she pulled it off, going on to reprise her roles as both
Victor and Victoria in the 1994 Broadway stage adaptation
of the same name(s). Andrews was now able to add an extra
asset to her appeal to gay audiences; not only was she a bona
fide Broadway star*, but she was also sympathetic to the challenges
of transsexuals, having played a woman playing a man playing
a woman (the plot of Victor/Victoria is extremely complicated)
on both stage and screen. Because of this, Andrews received
an invitation to appear in a "guest mentor" capacity
at Camp Rainbowtime, the first sleep away camp of its kind
for gay, lesbian and transgender youth. Andrews arrived at
its campgrounds in scenic Ashokan, New York on a Friday afternoon
to a rousing (and perfectly harmonized) rendition of "I
Love To Laugh," a song sung by Ed Wynn's character in
Mary Poppins. It was a more unusual choice from an easily
recognizable opus, and one which Julie appreciated, having
heard "Feed the Birds (Tuppence a Bag)" about "a
thousand goddamn times too many." Andrews led the children
through a Godless version of grace before their evening meal,
and, afterwards, as a special treat, took her acoustic guitar
to the campfire. As she strummed the chords to "Ascot
Gavotte" on her sweet-ass Fender, pre-teen homosexuals
stuffed their faces with s'mores and thanked a secular version
of God for the opportunity to spend time with a Broadway legend.
Sadly, this was during the infamous Catskills drought of 1997,
which had rendered the surrounding evergreens crisp and flammable.
So, when 16-year-old lesbian vegetarian Lenore Rosenstreich
and 14-year-old jazz dance aficionado Terrence "No You
Didn't" Romaine demonstrated how "flaming"
they found each other to be, using their blazing graham cracker
treats as funny examples, what would ordinarily be jovial
dessert play themed around one-upmanship, became a dangerous
exercise in tempting nature. That night, nature was not on
the side of the young gay and lesbian community, or at least
the cross-section of it in attendance at Camp Rainbowtime,
and the errant s'more fire quickly devoured the campsite,
leaving a trail of crackling pine needles in its wake. Andrews
escaped the devastation intact, as did the campers, and most
of their cock rings.
* Broadway, incidentally, has a reputation of
being beloved by gays.
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