Chita Rivera
Chita Rivera speaks with great fondness about the great directors, dancers,
and visionaries she's had the fortune to work with in her solo show,
A Dancer's Life. She speaks fondly of Bob Fosse, whose sultry slump
she immortalized while draped over a pole in the Big Spender number
from the Sweet Charity film. She reminisces about her Chicago co-star
Gwen Verdon, whose nasal pipsqueak voice Chita does a spot-on impersonation
of. And she has nothing but kind words to say about Dick Van Dyke, her
co-star from the 1960 musical, Bye, Bye, Birdie. Although the part of
Rose Alverez in Bye, Bye Birdie was written as Latina, Hollywood, in typical
misguided form, cast, instead of Rivera, a brunette-dyed Janet Leigh
for the movie. Chita, having already lost the part of Anita to Rita
Moreno for the West Side Story film, did not become angry—it was
not in her character—but, instead, moped her way through a box
of Triscuits and a bottle of rice wine, and dazedly made her way over
to the set of the movie. The racist and dim production assistants on
the feature mistook a tipsy Rivera for their frequently-inebriated Craft
Services lady, Inez, and did not ask what she was doing there, but,
rather, if she had any half and half. Rivera, mistaking the request
as a reference to her mixed heritage (her father was Puerto Rican; her
mother, mostly Scottish), started to cry, and was beginning to make
a scene, until Dick Van Dyke, looking to lighten his coffee, passed
by and recognized her. Comforting her by putting his arm around Chita's
shapely, elegant shoulder, Van Dyke took her to his trailer and assured
his pal that he missed her terribly, and, as far as he was concerned,
that she was meant to play Rose Alverez. Chita didn't believe him: she'd
seen Psycho. She knew what a film star looked like. Van Dyke, who couldn't
stand watching Rivera pout, knew the one thing that never failed to
make her laugh: farting. Nobody enjoyed a good fart gag better than
Rivera: in fact, 25 minutes of flatulence-based anecdotes were (thankfully)
skimmed from the final draft of A Dancer's Life before opening night.
But it was a late afternoon in 1963 when Dick Van Dyke, looking to comfort
one of the best dancers of our generation, decided to reassure Rivera
of his allegiance to her talent with a visual aid. Taking a headshot
of Janet Leigh and a lighter, Van Dyke lined up the two with his butt
and proceeded to create an assembly line of fart-based joy. Chita, delighted
at the flames the future "Bert The Occasionally Cockney-Accented
Chimney Sweep" created with his own ass, applauded with drunken
delight their attempt at revenge against a photographic representation
of Van Dyke's miscast co-star. Unfortunately, however, the photo of
Janet Leigh remained un-singed, and it was Van Dyke's paper coffee cup
that was, instead, ignited. Rivera, in a fart-happy tailspin, perched
her own perfect ass above the blazing cup, and let one of her own soar.
The result was disastrous; second-degree burns on a dancer's private
area are usually the stuff of Vegas lore. But Rivera, to this day, will
be the first to say it was the only thing that made her feel better
about the situation.
